REALIZATIONS

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Once again sadness hit me, and as always it was unexpected.

I was having a cigarette outside my cousin’s house until I thought of checking my Facebook account.

I saw a post shared by an FB friend, it says “I WISH …”   I became curious so I scrolled the page down and read the entire post, and it goes like this “I wish ….  I could hug my dad one more time.”  Then a sudden pang of sadness came over me.

I don’t know why, but sadness follows every time I remember my father. Was it because I know I wasn’t the best daughter to him when he was still alive? Was it regret, knowing I wasted my chance, that, instead of making sweet memories, I opted to detach myself that we barely talked when we had the chance?

It wasn’t easy remembering how things led to such kind of a relationship. He had his flaws like everyone else … as a man, a husband and as a provider. But despite his mistakes, I can’t help but to also remember how good a man he was.

When my siblings and I were growing up, Tatay would play with us. And while he used a stick, a belt and his hands in disciplining us, he was also a sweet and caring father to us. I took by heart the words of wisdom and values he entrusted to us every time we had our heart-to-heart talks.

Aside from the looks, I also got my slight artistic side and love for sports from him. He was once an athlete, who played for the Ateneo de Manila team in the early 70’s. He was a champion bowling, billiard and dart player in their office annual sports tournaments when he was still working at the Jesuit’s Xavier House office. And every time he would challenge me to a table tennis game, I never won, not a single set.

And what I don’t like and like about food and people were the same things he used to like and dislike.

It has been 14 years since you left us, but still it brings sadness. I hope you have forgiven all of my mistakes and shortcomings.

I don’t deny that I may have seemed to have lost my way and love for you, but I am gladly reminded that today and tomorrow should not be wasted to regrets. I admit, I am struggling now trying to accept and forgive others who have caused me pain but I am and will continue to try. I LOVE YOU TAY!  

SHARED HAPPINESS

I am happy. Simply happy that I get to make people smile the way other people do to me.

Sometimes I ask myself if I am still normal. I laugh, I giggle, I cry, I get hurt, I fall in love over and over again but not with another person, instead with characters or stories that either I watched or read.

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I should be busy thinking about my future, the life ahead the way most normal people do, thinking I don’t have a fortune to brag or a car to show off, or a huge amount of money in the bank to keep me going.

What I have instead is a laptop, an old one, and a not so fast Wi-fi connection that accompany me every day at home.

However, this reality does not bother me. Most of my days are spent writing a story, a Tagalog one. I recently ventured into fictional writing. I was worried at first that no one will get to read and appreciate my work.

The first story I published in a social media site called Wattpad was a 42-part fanfiction characterized by young volleyball players Vic Galang ang Bang Pineda. It was a love story between two girls who fell in love with each other.

I wasn’t a fan of La Salle Lady Spikers at first, although I would not deny that I appreciate their great spiking and digging abilities. Because for the longest time, I was a big Ateneo fan, particularly the so-called the fabulous five – Angeline “Dzi” Gervacio, Fille Saint Merced Cainglet, Gretchen Ho, Jamenea “Jem” Ferrer and Ace Nakachi.

Photo credit to tritontv.com

But after they graduated, I started to appreciate other talents, but I kept my loyalty to Ateneo Lady Eagles. When suddenly, sometime in March this year, La Salle’s ace spiker and team captain Victonara “Ara” or “Vic” Galang met an accident while battling the playoffs with the National University Bulldogs to get the final slot for the championship match.

Being a former athlete, I was saddened by the fact that a good athlete whom I also admire not only for her good looks and exceptional volleyball skills, but also because of her humility, was badly hurt and will not be able to play the most important part of the collegiate league’s UAAP.

I turned to Tweeter and Facebook for regular updates. Then suddenly I came across a message hinting there was a romance going on between Galang of the DLSU and the former Lady Falcon open hitter Sheila Pineda, known to many fans of volleyball these days as Bang.      

Photo credit to spin.ph

It came as a big surprise to me, being a “les” or a “shib.” Both girls are beautiful and  talented in terms of volleyball and there was not a single hint that they have a special relationship.

Then one day, I found myself reading Wattpad stories about Mika Reyes, Kim Fajardo, Ara or Vic Galang and Bang Pineda. Don’t ask me how many fanfiction stories I have read, because I already lost count, probably close to 200. At first I just want to get to know them better as a player and as person since most stories were lifted from the players’ social media accounts, or what volleyball fans witnessed when they watched live in the Flying V Arena.

After reading a lot of stories, later this July, I started my own version of fanfiction. The first three days were a struggle. No one seemed to care, but a week after I was surprised when I checked my Wattpad account and there were votes indicating I now have readers. Then one by one, comments were left at the message box asking for a faster update.

Shortly before my third week into fanfiction writing, I decided to end the story the way I wanted it to, but then I started to get clarifications and complaints from my readers saying the story should end with Bang and Ara or Vic. I have no other choice but to adhere to their clamor.

A week before my birthday the story was finished with over 800 reads and less than a hundred votes and lots of comments. Now as I continue to open my account to update my second story, I can’t help but smile and get amazed by the growing readership, as of the latest my first story has 2,100 readers and 135 votes and 46 comments.

I was not paid, no money involved, not even a possible income to look forward to in this

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kind of writing. It’s just the fondness of writing and having that youthful feeling again that motivate me to go on, plus the fact that it gives me joy and pleasure that I get to share what I am capable of … sharing life, it’s mysteries and challenges. So many untold stories from each and every one of us that are sometimes forgotten or are left untold for reasons we cannot explain.

To sum it all up… I just want to say I am truly happy and we can share our happiness to other people too.

PAGBATI

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Naghintay ako hanggang sa huling segundo.  

Nagbabaka sakali na maalala mo.

Kahit na hindi na sa mismong araw, pero wala.

Hindi ka nagparamdam.

Hindi rin bumati.

Nakalimutan mo ba?

O baka hindi talaga alam.

O mas tama na wala na nga siguro.

Akala ko pa naman close tayo.

Tama naman sabi nila huwag assuming.

Sabagay, ako man hindi ko din alam ang sa’yo.

Okay lang lilipas din ito.

Tulad ng hiling ko sa iba, sana maligaya ka.

CHILDHOOD

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Half of my life, every year, every time I add another year to my age, I celebrate my “A” day with my “kababata” - a childhood friend I grew up with. We were born on the same date, August 15. But, he is a year older than I am.

But as we grew older, things started to change, and the changes happened fast. It all began when a fire incident in the mid 1990s hit the then La Ignaciana Apostolic Center of the Philippines in Sta. Ana, Manila. It was an old church ran by the Jesuits and was later converted into a retreat house. It was said that it was in this place where the original manuscript of Jose Rizal’s Noli Me Tangere was kept hidden.

A few years after the incident, the property was sold. The Jesuits said selling the property was a better option than having the old structure reconstructed because it would be costly for them. And so the families of the Jesuits’ employees who have lived in the apartment units inside the huge compound, had to leave the place.

It was a daunting reality for us because it will mean saying goodbye, especially for us (children) whose friendship and bonding know no one but US.  It was no surprise that most of us grew up as if glued to each other because it was just a 12-door apartment establishment, meaning the number of kids you will see then depends on the number of children each employee had.

So, each family started to move on from one place to another, until eventually we lost contact. Gladly the era of social media came to life, like Facebook, because while I know he is in another part of the world, I get to greet him Happy Birthday again.

There may be no spaghettis and lumpiang shanghais or pansit bihons and friend chickens to share, but I am happy that we get to exchange greetings again. We shared with each other our plans on how we will individually spend our birthdays. Simple things like that makes old memories sweet and fond to cherish.

To my kababata and others like me who are celebrating their birthday today, Kudos to US! May we continue to live each day with JOY, LOVE, SATISFACTION and better SENSE. J

40 years of journey

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I have always been accepting. And I seldom ask or question.

I seem to be always okay with what I have and with what people do.

I observe. I try to learn from what I see and sometimes try to practice them and ignore what I think will not be applicable and practical.

It has always been that way. Even when I was young, I never get envious of my friend's new toys or dress.

I remember my mother would tell us then that we will only buy what was necessary and immediate because we need to budget our finances.

When I started working and earning my own money the same principle applied. I don't buy gadgets unless it is needed or required.

But as I crossed the 40th mark of my life existence(+sesame street ... those born in this era) I started to think things over. Suddenly I want some of those material possessions that some people have, but not the simple ones, though. Those things I think are essential like a house, a car and a stable and bigger income.

I don't know if I will be fortunate enough to achieve these things in this lifetime, who knows. Anyway, I haven't stopped dreaming, wishing and trying to work my way through in this journey called life.

CONVERSATION

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You are really an amazing listener.

As I was about to sleep last night … okay okay that was almost morning, dawn to be exact, I prayed like any other regular night I would say thank you for everything that you have shared with me.

But this time I added some and told you about my concerns and fears. I asked for guidance as I am, again, doubting my abilities and the chance to find a good paying job. I fear that because of repeated wrong decisions, I have lost my opportunity. I told you a lot more other things and even asked for a sign. 

SOARING

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 “Wind Beneath My Wings” a song by Bette Midler, old and classic. 

It was full of love. A song loaded with a message of thanks. That finally the once young and innocent eagle can finally fly and spread her wings.

It is a wish that this eagle, no matter how old, will one day be able to sing the song dedicated to her hero.

Yes, you were once my hero. “I would be nothing without you.” I thank you because now “I could fly high, higher than an eagle ‘cause you are the wind beneath my wings.”

Photo credit to google.com

However, along the way when the eagle was already spreading her wings in full swing, her hero doesn’t want her bird to fly high. Suddenly the wind wants her bird to stay low. She wants a lovebird out of the eagle.

And so the eagle rebelled. She took her chance as soon as she saw an opening and once again spread her wings in full. She flew not high but far. Farther than she can fly until she lost her way back home.

Sometimes in the midst of a storm the eagle misses the warmth and comfort of her old home, but she has already lost her way back long ago.

That no matter how she misses the comfort of her hero, the eagle will continue to soar possibly higher each day until her journey ends.  

REALIZATION

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Whoa! Seven more days and a plus one will again add to my age.

Well, I actually don’t mind. I have no issues with my age. Except that every time I look back I can’t help but somehow think of the things I didn’t get to do. Those things I could have done for myself.

Other people view aging positively. They say as we all age, we become much wiser and sharper. It comes with age, so it’s okay to grow old.

And age for some brings a certain level of confidence and maturity because it means you have come across various challenges in life and weathered it.

RAMBLINGS

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I understand. I know how you feel. Stop running away because you are not alone.

I know how it feels. That thought? That you’re the only one who cares? That they don’t bother to remember? That it’s okay that you are not around? I was once there. Every person by chance or freewill had been there too. So don’t turn your back. Stop pushing people away. It will hurt you more.

 You see, in an attempt to ease your pain, sadness or frustration, because you thought that the planets of the universe were conspiring against you, and the world didn’t seem to care, you went far and have kept your distance. The worst thing you could do, and I hope will not happen, is to cut your communication with them.

Photo credit to Commons.Wikimedia.Org

If you intend to do that, for how long do you want to detach yourself? Two, three, five, seven, ten years? Are you sure? Don’t be silly. You may have been hurt by people who at one point was close to you or someone you have met and been with, but distancing yourself from the world you are used to, from the people that matters to you, those you cared and loved aside from that one person who may have caused trouble to you, will not help solve your misery.

Because at the end of the long journey, as soon as you thought you are over and done with whatever they have caused you, THAT one day will come. We don’t know why, but fate has its way of putting us back. It has its way of teaching and helping us realize things, especially those things that we intentionally missed. And sometimes, if not most of the time, in a place we least expect them to happen. At a time we thought will not come or happen again. Worse, when we are most vulnerable.

And when that day comes, you will be transported back either in an instant or with a delay, but that same moment that brought you sadness, frustration, or disappointment will be relived. It will be good if you have grown, learned to forget and has moved on, but what if you’re not? It will be twice the agony the first time you went through it.

So rather than depriving yourself of a chance to redeem that lost self-esteem, go out, be with your friends, be with those people who can make you smile and be happy, just make sure not to forget to pick the lesson from that life experience.

Because whoever you are, whatever you are, remember that life is a cycle. It will always go back to where you began. If you are into cooking, apply life’s principles to your favorite dish. That in order for one to be happy, emotionally and not superficially, one needs to know to balance taste. Add a spice according to your taste, if you need to.

There is no such thing as a perfect life. There will always be something missing. So, check, assess and ask yourself: What do you need the most? Then start working out for you to get there. Other people may not understand it but it’s your happiness that matters.

Sometimes not all spices are available in the supermarket, there are those that can also be found in your own backyard, but we fail to notice them because we don’t appreciate what we have. Our eyes are always in search for something that is new, appealing or sophisticated because we don’t want to be labeled old or obsolete.

Life is a journey. It is full of spices. Pick as many as spices as you can, but never fail to appreciate what is free and available. And what has always been there. Like self-esteem, it’s always there, just waiting to be acknowledged. J

MARY

 (REPOST)

PHOTOS credit to shutterstock.com

 It came a bit late, four days to be exact.

It’s the month of the year, when 43 years ago you came.

Basically, it was a short visit to consider, around five or seven days,

I’m not really sure because I wasn’t there yet.

They said you had a beautiful curly hair, was fair skinned and small.

But they also said they never heard you laugh or giggle.

Yeah, not even a glimpse of your smile.

That was because you were in deep pain, always crying,

Battling for your chance, a chance at life with us, I guess.

But they couldn’t do anything.You were so fragile.

And the best thing that time to do was to let go.

Every year, every time this month would come

I am reminded of you.

There was no picture that will say

once upon a time you came, that you were here.

All I have was an old story, long ago, that was never said again.

Maybe not in this lifetime. Perhaps someday.

Who knows, when my time is up, maybe then we will meet.

We’ll have that golden chance that was deprived of us.

But this I promise, my commitment to you

That for as long as I breathe, every first of August,

14 days before my big day, I will remember that

Once there was a child named MARY.

GIRLFRIEND

photo credit to gettyimages.com

Hi. Hello.

Been missing you

Frequently lately.

I don’t know about you,

But for me, it’s big time.

I wanted to write you

A letter, yeah! I know

It’s like reading an obsolete book.

So instead I push myself

In writing you this song.

I hope, I can sing it

Better for you someday.

ISANG ARAW

Isang araw ay 
nagising 

akala mo ba’y

galing 
sa ilang taong 
pagkakahimbing -

 ito ba ay realisasyon?

Anong nangyari?

 Kabataan nasaan na?

Bakit tila lumipas ka na.

 Sayang at hindi man lang napansin.